Okay, so I haven't written in a while...I'm feeling all kinds of ways right now so I'm just going to write (type), and see what comes. I hope y'all don't get me up out of here for this...
I'm sad. About a lot of shit. My cousin is gone. Like, I don't even believe it. 33 years old and dead. I'm having a very hard time with this especially since I had it on my mind to reach out to him (it had been a few months since we last spoke) the day of his accident and I didn't. I remember saying "He's not online, I'll just catch him next time." (Usually even if he's not online I'll send him a message anyway and he gets back to me becaue of the time diffrence. He lived in Japan.) I really just don't konw how to feel at all. Everytime I think about his children I break down...I mean, he was all the way across the world and because of technology I never REALLY missed him because if I wanted I could reach him, and the ONE time I actually missed him the ONE time something said, "Helen, just shoot a message real quick and tell your cousin you love him." I didn't. I skyped three other people that day and none of them answered...and now I wonder would he have responded later? Could I have talked to him one more time? It makes me mad.
Also, Boo (my mini me) started daycare today...in the midst of all of my sadness, this morning I had to put on my big girl panties and leave my only child with complete strangers for a full 9 and a half hours, and to add salt to my wound I don't even get to pick her up on her first day (or any day for that matter) because I have to be at work from 4-8. So, dealing with the above grief, as I drop my child off at day care at 7:30 in the morning knowing I won't see her again until 8:30 at night when I get home from work, I begin to get a little misty eyed (I did not cry inside of the daycare) and the lady in the daycare says "Don't cry, she will be fine." BITCH who the fuck are you!? Like, I just...I fucking hate the place. I just don't like the whole air around it, but they are the only state licenced daycare facilit in my city, which sucks major wildabeast ass. The lady who is over the whole place is...I don't even know how to describe it. I'll say this, she met me once, gave me a form to fill out and CALL her about...I called her about it and she couldn't remember who I was. She then schedules a 9am meeting with me to which she was 23 minutes late. ( I have a 9:30 class) at that meeting she tells me I can fill out the rest of the paper work on my child's first day (today) and give her the application fee. She wasn't there yet I couldn't do either thing...(well, perhaps I could have, but no one there offered to do either of those things with me). I went to take the payment and fill out the paperwork when I got out of class at 1 and she was getting in her car to leave and go pick up children for the afterschool program. As she sits in her vehicle with the door open talking at me over her car door she says, "You know she don't like to mind? She has a problem with listening." and then proceeded to tell me that my child rolled her eyes at a teacher and let out a sigh when she was asked to do something (which I do not put past my child, but she said it like, "you know she do that right, you seen it" well no, she may sigh and put her head down if she doesn't like something, but NO she does not roll her eyes at me or anyone else in my house and what the hell kind of adult gets upset because a TWO YEAR OLD breathes hard in their direction?) You know...just typing this is making me a little angry so I'm going to stop now...
Thank y'all for reading this if you got this far...I'm going to be alright...your prayers/wishes of good outcome on this are welcome and appreciated and I offer the same to you in all your tough situations. Be blessed. I promise the next post will be better. I'm out.
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THANKS!!!